I didn’t know Margaret had a best friend. I’d known for a while that big events pull people out of crevices. I found myself worried about people showing up who hadn’t known her, not really, reaching out to leach off of the pain. There’s something about hubbub that functions like fire, that turns people into… Read More Emblem of Our House: Friends
The anxiety crawled up my throat from my stomach. People were looking at her on the train. He wasn’t her baby, and she was only 12. I knew there was no way that the baby was hers, of course, but she was young, and she was looking at him with tenderness and wearing him in… Read More Emblem of Our House: Family
Nothing bad happens when I’m making art. I was a dancer first, at age 3, enrolled at a studio in Brooklyn. I danced until I was 11. By then, we’d lived in Pennsylvania for two years. I studied ballet, jazz, and tap. We’d been working really hard on recital pieces when Schlep learned that the… Read More Emblem of Our House: Art
The morning she died, I was tired. I woke up late that day. I didn’t have to go to the farm. I had Reggie, a small Yorkie I was dogsitting. I had a dentist appointment that afternoon. I’d finally gotten financially to a point where I could afford to go every six months. I went… Read More Emblem of Our House: Gone
There is quite the mixture of love and fear mixed into most of my memories. There’s the day I was so excited for the princess party that my mom had planned. We had princess outfits and a pig made from meatloaf. We were real princesses. I remember our friends starting to arrive, and then I… Read More Emblem of Our House: Aquarium
The week of her death, I was already struggling with my faith. I’d had questions for a long time. I’d gone through the motions of church for a while. Suddenly, I was 30, then 31, and I felt pretty damaged. I was divorced. I couldn’t get rid of the extra weight I’d packed on during… Read More Emblem of Our House: Faith
I spent the summer between my freshman and sophomore years at college. I’d gotten a job in the admissions office for the evening programs, geared towards folks with 9-5 commitments. I wasn’t very good at calling people, and I rarely got anyone on the phone, but it was a job, and, by that point, there… Read More Emblem of Our House: Car
The guilt could kill me if I let it. The first overwhelming crush of guilt came for me when I was 18. I’d left home forever, traveling 2,000 miles away to attend college in northern California. Before I left, I took each of my youngest siblings out for dinner, just one-on-one, and we talked about… Read More Emblem of Our House: Guilt
Ten years ago, I was 23. Margaret was 13. I was still six months away from moving to Colorado, trying to find a job in New York City while staying with a family from the religious group I’d been a part of since 2008. And there was a guy attending another religious weekly gathering who… Read More Emblem of Our House: Date
There’s a little bar across the street from my mom’s house. We went there for dinner the week of the funeral, while everyone was still around. We were waiting for some family members to join us when a woman turned around at the bar and said, “Margaret!” My stomach dropped in that moment, and I… Read More Emblem of Our House: Drunk